Vulnerable
by Katta Piraa
Summary: Utena feels betrayed when Akio stands her up, but mostly she feels weak for letting herself become the victim
1. The Stand Up

"Meet me at 11, at my house," His throaty voice was still ringing in my ears, as I sat shivering in my car.   
  
I glanced at the bright digital clock, which gave an eerie green glow to my entire front seat. 11:34. 11:35.   
  
I was such an idiot.  
  
"Akio... what are you doing tomorrow?" I asked in casual conversation, not a week earlier. I wasn't trying to make plans with him, but we were stretched for conversation, and I was curious.   
  
He ran a hand through his silvery hair and looked up at me with those intense beautiful eyes. He didn't have to say a word, and I'd be entertained for hours.   
  
I can only console myself with memories of him and me, in his car. I had injured my ankle playing basketball, but he embraced me when we were alone, kissing my ankle and foot, and then coming up to kiss my neck, my lips, and telling me how he thought of me.  
  
Some consolation, what does that show me?! That I'm weak. He lied. He completely led me on, fed me lie after lie because he knew I'd bow to his wishes, follow some stupid childish fantasy and hope that perhaps, he was my prince. I'm not so weak, why did I cave it? I'm not weak!! I'M NOT!  
  
11:58. Too late. I had to leave, before I stayed here all night in hopes he'd show up. Where could he be at this hour? Why isn't he home, meeting me like he promised? Why... if... he...  
  
I jolted suddenly. 3:02. I'd fallen asleep. I shivered, my toes and nose were numb and my arms were freezing. I turned on the car and cranked the heat, but as I looked outside, I saw his car pull in. I was hidden behind a truck, on the other side of his yard, where he parked his car, so he didn't know I was still there.   
  
"I wonder if he remembered about our meeting," I thought. I could see him through the window of the truck. He stood up, and pulled a little red head out of the car after him. I almost shouted to myself, but it came out as a small gasping, "Oh!"  
  
He wrapped his arm around her and kissed her, a long, sincere, passionate kiss. She seemed to melt in his arms. He then steadied her, gave her one last peck on the nose, and they said they're goodbyes. I was too shocked, too embarrassed, to completely in pain to move, much less confront him. I'd been such an idiot. I knew I'd made myself vulnerable to emotion. And now this is where it'd gotten me.  
  
I couldn't cry, that would only show more weakness. Instead, I waited for him to go inside, and counted to 50. Then I pulled out, and raced home. "I will never put myself in that situation again, I can't believe I was so stupid." I told myself endlessly on the car ride home. 


	2. Utena chats with Wakaba

Wakaba asked me what was wrong. I blinked heavily, and put my head down so she wouldn't see the tears welling up in my eyes.  
  
"It's nothing." I said lightly, and turned towards the open window. The morning sun had graced Ohtori with her prescence. I pushed a tendril of pink hair from my face and put my head in my hands.  
  
"Well what did you do last night?" she asked provacatively, certain something was bothering me.   
  
"Nothing." only half lying to my good friend, Onion Princess. I was too ashamed to tell Wakaba the truth. How completely foolish I'd been.  
  
I'm never foolish. I never ever put myself in a vulnerable situation. If there's a chance for me to get hurt, especially in instances of romance, I'm about 100 miles away from there. Ever since my prince, I haven't wanted to be that close with anyone else. I almost feel paranoid that anyone else can only hurt me, because they aren't my prince; they aren't the one for me.  
  
Wakaba bounced off the desk and began to hum to herself and she trotted over towards my desk. She lowered her happy face down to mine and gave me a huge hug, causing me to make a choking noise and struggle not to fall off the chair.  
  
"That should do the trick!" She confirmed, and stood very self assured before me, proud of herself.  
  
"Let's go, weirdo." I said smiling big, and making sure Wakaba knew I appreciated her kindness whenever she gave it. We walked out of the classroom arm in arm. 


	3. The Walk Home

The daylight grew to darkness, and I was but a 10 minute walk from my room. I left Miki's room later than I'd expected, so I tried to hurry back. It was almost midnight, so I wasn't going to get that great of a rest before school the next day. It was extremely cold outside, and I only had a small jacket. I could see my breath.  
  
As I rounded the corner of the block, a black car rolled up next to me in the streetlight. A good looking blonde guy leaned out of the window and said, "Hey sweetie, you wanna come with me?" I half wanted to say yes. After what happened last night, I could have just burst into tears and crawled into that guy's arms forever. I was tired of having such high aspirations for something that probably didn't mean a thing to him.  
  
"No I'm okay," I repiled slowly, stepping my black and white saddle shoes away from his car.  
  
"Where you headed?" He asked, trying to keep me engaged in the conversation.  
  
"My room," I answered very matter-of-factly, and then I said goodnight and headed off. Now more than ever I wanted to start crying. But it was too cold to cry, and I hated that. I felt so much emotion swelling up inside my throat, so much anger and so much saddness. I wanted to let it out but it was stuck inside my chest, and while it beat on my insides, desparate to get out, I couldn't let it even if I wanted to. I can't be the victim. I'm completely apart from emotions like breaking down over a boy. I just don't work like that.  
  
I headed up the stairs and into my room, where Himemya was already asleep. I could hear Chu-Chu's whistling snores from the doorway. The room's warmth opened my heart up, and my eyes flooded with my feelings. They poured over my cheeks and onto the floor, and I had to kneel down or I feared I would faint. I made a silent sort of breathing crying noise, so as not to wake Anthy. But it's so hard to cry quietly, and eventually the sobs came. Quieter but then louder, until I had to push my face into a pillow before I woke up the entire Academy.  
  
"I hate him, I hate him..." I told myself, as I laid there in the tear soaked pillow, feeling utterly immoible and useless to myself and anyone else. I was truly as weak as everyone else. I had become vulnerable somehow, even though I had worked so hard to make myself a shell from those kinds of emotions. I had developed a strange swelling in my heart that moved up through my throat and down into my stomach, I had fallen in love. 


End file.
